At the risk of coming across all existential, and more likely horribly hypocritical our first blog post on our shiny new site revolves around this question, “Who are Bloggers?”
Through extensive research in the past 35 minutes there are 6 main categories to speak of;
First up, “The Haterz!!”
For want of a better word these ‘haterz’ use the medium as an opportunity as socially inept bigots to proffer vaguely insulting passages of puerile prose under the warm and comforting blanket of internet anonymity. Hiding safely behind their protectively vague profile picture and a blog title named after a bizarre and wanky internet etiquette they attack the soft underbelly of their targets by highlighting their failings, ponderously and without a sniff of wit and a plethora of lolz.
Next up come “The Self-proclaimed Experts”
Be it social media gurus (a flaccid job title if ever i heard one) or the amateur sports pundit beware these founts of disinformation and frankly dubious credentials. The best must surely be the gamers who constantly post up videos of themselves “killing it” on Call of Duty or some other shooty/runny/blowy-upy game laboriously documenting each and every one of their 8,497 kills in painstaking 3-dimensional detail, only to then compound their offence by providing a lugubrious soundtrack of their own commentary, strangely at odds with the rapid fire death they are talking over. “We are aware of how you did it sir, you have helpfully provided a video, your explanation is reminiscent of the voice at the back of my mind that makes me think of my tax return whilst having sex – off putting, unwanted and droop inducing”.
Thirdly, ” The Lonely”
Your Blog had been viewed by 0 people
Error. Delete. Death.
Fourthly are, refreshingly, “The Funny Guys”
They are actually funny, no really – these are the well written blogs by writers with talent. As an example/proof take a look at the links below;
Fifth on our list, “The Zealots”
Whether on a hand delivered mission from Jesus, or more likely his marketing department, or perhaps devotees of the great Lord Scientology their unflinching dedication to the cause would in other circumstances be viewed as laudable. For example if you were in an action movie, possible staring Tom Cruise, and you had to rescue some poor unfortunate then this kind of unflinching, blinkered, one-eyed, dismissive, narrow-minded, dogmatic, slanted, obstinate, twisted, partisan, warped, small minded, biased mindset could be useful. Or you might look like Tom Cruise – a penis.
Finally “The Commentator”
Not John Champion, not even Johnathan Pierce, instead the social commentator who will cast into the super-mega-interwebz their take on everything from the state of government to the price of fish – they actually have an opinion of the fucking price of fish… Things that you had never considered important, never even considered if you’re honest ‘grinds this guys gears!!’ Now these differ from “the Haterz” as it isn’t always negative, sometimes they get tumescent over things they like, for example the Daily Mail, or Princess Diana memorial plates, or Golf. But, even these bastions of “The Commentator” should beware as all it takes is one slip, one article that DOESN’T mention greedy foreigners, or Sarah Ferguson or diving European footballers and POW they are right back at the top of their game, and it is a brave man who gets in their way.
Now why are we writing this, well….to be honest, we didn’t know what to write and figured may as well set our stall out early on. And which of these categories do we fall into? Well,….all of them i guess.